I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize