Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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