i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
