Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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