dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
