i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
