Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
