I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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