She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
