So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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