I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
