Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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