God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
