life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize