My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
