Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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