Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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