thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
