I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
