Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
