I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
