I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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