I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
