I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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