This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
