also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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