i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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