i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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