I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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