Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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