And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
