he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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