Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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