Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
