Cold hands, warm shart.
I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
