I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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