there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
