Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
