he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
