Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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