My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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