Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
