I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
