I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
