I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Randomize
