So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
