He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
