do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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