Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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