I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
