I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
