She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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