I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize