I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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