be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
