hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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