We named our party play list daddy issues
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
