Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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