I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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