Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
