I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
